Against the Tide
Why do I write?
I ask myself this question lately having gone through my old blogs and it dawned on me why I started blogging in the first place. I write because there are innumerable words in my head waiting to be sung. There are unfathomable thoughts swirling around that even I could not contain into boxes. There is a myriad of feelings that I can’t quite understand myself, needing to be released into the world to make sense of. I am a poet. And I’m also a realist. There has always been two sides to my psyche and lately, I think the latter has taken over for quite a while.
I used not to care about what people think with how or what I write about. I enjoyed talking about mundane things like how my day went, or what songs I’m currently into, or who’s that douche that broke my heart lately. I loved how I curated these little joys and heartaches in seemingly perfect measure. I just carelessly blurted out my emotions without a care in the world and I liked it that way. On some days I wasted hours and hours just typing my heart away, never holding anything back. That’s the kind of writer I used to be.
And I miss it. I miss writing for me.
The thing is, I know I’m the one at fault here and there’s nobody to blame but myself. I let my guard down and lost the only voice I had because I was scared to be irrelevant. Because in the world we’re living in right now, the hearts and thumbs up kind of puts you in your place and sadly, that’s how I saw it too. How did I get caught up in this new-age standard of passivism? Why did I let social media eat me alive? I’m not proud of it but it’s true.
I guess what I really want to say is, I have to find my voice again – the kind that doesn’t answer to anyone. I know that the writer I once was is still in there and I have to get her back on her feet once more. But most importantly, I need to remind myself not to drain out on pleasing anyone or aligning my thoughts and words to what I think people would want to hear. There’s no one I should be listening to other than me.
Note to myself: In a sea of submission and conformity, be the opposing ripple. It pays to be different.